Dear Tahir,
I still sit by the doorstep of our empty room every other night, expecting you to come back from work. With the same expression that you carry, an expression that I only understood to be guilt.” my armour, I’m sorry…I never meant to hurt you. Can I at least explain?”I long to hear you repeat that same line again,to hear you call me your armour, to tell me that I’m all you have. Will you ever come back to me?
Yes, I was deeply hurt. It was that cool evening, I’d kept four pieces of roasted corn in our only cockroach ridden flask. We’d agreed that you’ll buy coconut from Blessing on credit, so we can have a sumptuous meal for dinner. Having sold the last set of roasted corn to a God sent man after the rain started drizzling, I packed up quickly to set out for home. The evening felt good at the thought of the roasted corn and coconut that we’d have for dinner and I found myself mumbling our favorite song.
“we’ll overcome, yes we will…"
We sing this together anytime we don’t have to persuade the kids to sleep on a water-filled tummy.
Angela noticed my happiness as we walked home, my only friend. Then she decided to break to me the news that changed our lives till today. She told me what our neighbor discussed with her about you and Tola, your boss’s only daughter. He told my friend about it because we don’t get along but he wanted me to know anyways. He has always been a good man. The apple of his eyes like he always says, our neighbor that works as her dad’s driver told her about your lunch date with her, about how close you both became recently, how much your boss's daughter liked your commitment to your recent relationship and trusts you. The intensity of the rain seemed to increase, the wind howled uncontrollably. Without noticing, I walked out of the shade of my friend’s umbrella and walked blindly through the rain. It seemed like minutes to several hours but I stood there for a long time, the rain beating me mercilessly as if punishing me for believing in our love. It poured and poured and I stood till my heart froze…
On getting home, I saw you coming out of her car.
”Even if you would date another woman, it shouldn’t be her, You shouldn’t have done it” I raged.
You stood there with a blank expression like an emotionless being while I poured my heart out.
“So it was true” I concluded.
I wished you told me that it wasn’t, I wished you defended yourself even if I wasn’t gonna believe but you didn’t. You only watched while I rake. With that same expression…the one I understood to be guilt.
I ignored you from days to weeks till it was a month. I blamed you continuously for betraying the trust that I built in you. For piercing my heart with Elsa’s spear and freezing it. I worked tirelessly day and night to earn us a living, to build the single room at the outskirt of the city that housed our hunger-ridden bodies, to tack together the rags that shroud us and the kids, to get the tiny morsels that fed our tummies. You just got a job with Tola's dad and we hoped it was better than M&B where you worked tirelessly without pay.” my armour, I’m sorry…I never meant to hurt you. Can I at least explain?" This same lyrics that I crave to hear now was composed by you days after my heart froze. It was always your method, watching me rake then coming to explain later but it was too late. Your guilty expression explained it all, what else was there to explain?
Your continuous acts of true love didn’t thaw my frozen heart. And like Elsa, fear and guilt became your only companion. You got so pale after two weeks but I didn’t care. Like an exhumed ghost, your eyeballs looked like they would come out of their sockets. Day after day, you diminished like naira’s value. You spent most of your days out and I assumed you were with her. Your nights you spent begging to explain.
Little did I know that I never understood you. Yes, your expression was that of guilt but not for flirting with Tola, you felt guilty for wanting to surprise me and failing, for making me feel like I meant nothing to you. I didn’t know that all that was between both of you was business, she wanted to loan you capital to start a farm like you always dreamed, if you perform well in the new contract. Angela meant to break the good news to me but I didn’t listen till the end. I watered the seeds of jealousy until they grew into branched trees that I couldn’t cut.
I wished I had a second thought when the doctor said that you died of depression.
